HANBOROUGH Report

As you all know, the world-famous HANBOROUGH Show occurred on Saturday and I was there to see the Fellowship of the Ox perform, featuring our very own Our LORD And MASTER, SIR FROG!

Jermery and I arrived at the event shortly before one o'clock that afternoon. We were expected to give two small girls some money to enter but we just walked past and ignored them! As soon as we stepped into the actual show, there was one person who stood out against the rest of the crowd. "As if I need to ask..." was his response to us approaching! After an initial struggle to use Jermery's real name, Our LORD And MASTER, SIR FROG managed it (however, this did not last long (much to Jerm's annoyance)).

To start with, we had the simple task of walking to Forgface's allocated area. This was not going to be a straight-forward walk though, of course! On the way, the three of us noticed a van coming onto the field. After coming very close to running over a dog, the driver's next target was a frail old man walking towards a stall. At the last second, the van stopped. The man was unharmed. However, he obviously didn't feel that the incident was dramatic enough. For that reason, he decided to launch himself out of the way, then wobble past the front of the van with a disgusted look on his face.

After the drama, we had a look around, met the other members of the Fellowship (minus Kate) and then prepared for the Scooter Parade (which was a much hyped event). After the disappointment that was the 30 minute delay for the parade, it finally began. In total, there were two scooters in the entire event and by the time the judging started, we were left with just a single scooter, along with a bike and a tricycle. Who would be the best person to judge the competition? An Elvis impersonator, of course!

Forgface was definitely the most excited person in the group regarding the Scooter Parade, and he didn't even attend!

That's part one. Next time, I'll talk about the other exciting events from Saturday!

For now, here is a picture of me with Forgface, Phill and Matthouse:

My HANBOROUGH day was a bit different!

I had polished and set out my armour the day before, so when I was up nice and early in the morning, all I really had to do was take a shower, cook up some lunch for later, have a nice poo and load up the car with my stuff.

It had been arranged that Matthouse and Phill would arrive at my house at 10:15 am, and we would set off to HANBOROUGH soon afterwards. What actually happened was that Matthouse forgot the newly purchased child's bow (my bow being far too powerful for a child to use) and had to return home for it! So, although we were supposed to begin setting up at 11:00am, we didn't actually leave the house until that time.

I should add that it had been pouring with rain while I was loading the car, and I was fully aware that it would be impossible for us to run an archery stall in wet weather as the moisture stretches the bowstring. Phill complained bitterly about the weather, and how "we couldn't do ANYTHING at all", but I told him to shut up and he eventually did.

So, we eventually rolled into HANBOROUGH at 11:15. The field was almost deserted, and I approached the organizer about where we were to set up. I had been promised that our area (which would be used for the archery and weapon demonstrations) would be one of the first ones that visitors would see.....except that - as usual for HANBOROUGH - they had "mysteriously forgotten" all about this arrangement, and insisted that we set up our area right at the back corner of the field - a position that was only visible by those who had reached the small gap between tents at the back of the main drag of stalls. Our demos would be done in an arena that was far, far too large for our purposes - and no amount of arguing was going to shift them from their position! The organizers themselves then told me that they didn't know "how large their display arena was going to be" - or indeed where it was going to be! Resigned to a crap part of the field, I went and told the chaps, neither of which were impressed.

At this point, the wind began to blow most strongly, something that was to feature throughout the whole show. It is quite likely that the wind muffled the choice words I mumbled at the retreating forms of the organizers, but they certainly knew I was angry. It was very unlikely that we were going to make much money as most people simply wouldn't see our stall! Even so, we set up the arena, target and archery net, and hoped that the wind would die down...which it did not!

Pausing only to change into period clothing, we decided that it was OFFICIALLY time for lunch (which pleased Matthouse), and there was nothing to do except try to work out the logistics of getting into armour - and at what time we would need to start putting it on...

Suddenly it struck me that we didn't have a float of change for those handing us cash to try their luck at hitting the target from a paltry 8 metres away. I Wandered over to the pavillion building (which served as the control area for the event) to gain said coinage. While waiting for the woman to return with this small amount of money, I glanced up and saw the looming forms of Hears and Jermery approaching. It was at this precise moment that a small chunk of forgotten onion relish dislodged itself from between my teeth, and I was forced to look away while "disposing" of it. The cash woman returned, and before I knew it, my CoG chums were upon me. "As IF I need to ask..." I began, then greeted Hears as "Hears" and Jermery as "Jon" (though I have no idea why I did that. I can report that he was "Jermery" for much of the day, but was also referred to as "Jeremy").

It was time to introduce the travellers to the members of The Fellowship, so we set off for the crap end of the field. Although the show should have started, many stall owners were still arriving, and it was then that tragedy struck! Glancing over to the other side of the field, we espied an old chap with walking frame strolling casually along, apparently oblivious of the approaching car/van thing which had narrowly avoided running over a dog! I was about to call out a warning, but it was already too late - the vehicle had stopped within a dangerous three metres to the side of the old man, and he immediately fell into a dramatic display of (near fatal) overacting before staggering back towards the vehicle, obviously enraged! The end of this dramatic encounter can be seen in Hears' most excellent video at 0:26 minutes in!

Finally, it was time for the show to start, and the item that all were looking forward to began: THE SCOOTER PARADE. Anger began to overtake me as I realised that I would have to deal with an approaching family, and would miss the action. I sent Hears and Jerm off to capture this event for the ages, and am stunned that one of the competitors appears to have been "nobbled"! I had seen three entries earlier, but only two were actually involved in the parade. Foul play, methinks! The REAL ELVIS was also clearly disappointed, but he passed a wise judgement, and the winner was crowned, though I have no idea which one it was!

That's enough excitement for this installment, so you'll have to tune in next time for more!


Here is a photo of our archery area, a close up of footage from Hears' video. You can see the flag I showed being made on here, along with my bright red hose! This is the chap who works at my local pharmacy and his family being shown how to shoot!

Not once have I seen any photos of Gay Snake at this event...surely you took him along? The chances of meeting other gay snakes at such social events must be considerable...

Gravity wrote:JNHNNONANAANY HAS VELCRO SHOES?!?

THIS NEWS EXPLAINS MUCH!

There is a very limited range of shoes my size. I hadn't worn velcro shoes since I was about 5 but they'll do!

I didn't point out the shoes because I'm nice.

Aiaiaiaidaiaian wrote:I didn't point out the shoes because I'm nice.

This would be where you and I differ.

LOOK AT THE VELCRO SHOES!

My turn for The HANBOROUGH Experience part 1!

2 trains into my epic journey to HANBOROUGH, I arrived at Reading Station, where I was to meet Hears! After a quick exchange of texts, I found him leaning casually on the station wall!

I then bought my ticket to HANBOROUGH, and after a bit of worry about which platform the train was on, we were off! The train journey was a bit awkward, as a man with dreadlocks and a luminous yellow raincoat (it was sunny) stared us down for almost the entire journey!

Off the train, the walk up to the show was more relaxed and we chatted about the possible guest list for the 2010 show. Whilst the presence of Blarg and Wagi were still an outside chance, we were both certain that Elvis would appear, along with several other international celebs. Sadly, Her Majesty couldn't make it, so instead Lady Gaga led us through a spurious garden path type shortcut and into the HANBOROUGH SHOW 2010!

Hears and I arrived just in time for the scooter parade's delay(!) to be announced, and after not paying the entrance fee, Hears said he felt better with the speculation that it was 'just for charity'

We soon saw Forg and after a quick greeting, drama suddenly erupted. Of course you've heard much about the incident already, but it was incredibly funny!

We had a quick look around at the local wares for sale. There was a large, uninhabited bouncy castle, lots of potted plants, cakes and raffles, and some kindling for the bargain price of £2.50 a bag! (Forg was most impressed when we informed him of this)

The scooter parade was next on the agenda and after close judging, the only competing scooter was announced as winner! The slightly embarrased champion accepted his award humbly, mostly unphased by the warm orange glow of Elvis' face in close proximity.

More on this to follow!

I trust all of this was faithfully and breathlessly reported on the local news programs - both radio and television? No doubt it's still the source of much gossip and conjecture throughout the region!

Someone should scan and post the newspaper headlines!

It was not mentioned at all - and WANTAGE didn't get more than a few lines either, but nothing about us at all!

I'm shocked! Britney must have been seen without her bloomers on again, REALLY important news has to come before anything else you know.

I should also add that we were promised a man-mountain of 100% Hearsicity, but what we received was a somewhat stunned chap who was slightly taller than me!

But he did admit his feet are big...